I Know You Killed the Brides Before Me I Know That I Am Next in Line
Jeremy Greyness: I didn't go a lot of sleep concluding nighttime.
John Beckwith: Soft mattress?
Jeremy Greyness: Aye, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
John Beckwith: Yous know how they say we simply utilize 10 percent of our brains? I think we but employ x percent of our hearts.
John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to exist very proper.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the chapeau just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
[people in the adjacent row turn circular and stare at Jeremy]
John Beckwith: Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't retrieve the priest heard you.
John Beckwith: I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona merely it's non Halloween. Grow upward Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.
Sack Order: I chase quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you accept on, or just your general indicate of view towards everybody. But permit'due south get impale some birds. I'grand psyched.
Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me! I desire my painting back!
Jeremy Grey: The painting was a gift, Todd. I'yard taking it with me.
[in a speech at Christina's wedding ceremony, quoting what John has just told her]
Claire Cleary: True dear is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
John Beckwith: Claire's mom just fabricated me grab her hooters.
Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little daughter.
John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a piddling daughter.
Jeremy Grayness: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they existent? Are they built for speed or condolement? What'd you practise with them? Motorboat? You lot play the motorboat?
[makes sputtering motorboat noise]
Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin son of a bitch! You quondam sailor you! Where is she? She however in the house?
John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?
John Beckwith: No, what'south wrong with you?
Jeremy Gray: No, what'southward incorrect with yous? Yous're projecting!
John Beckwith: Drop it.
Jeremy Grey: You driblet it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you lot go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
John Beckwith: Driblet it!
[starts walking away]
Jeremy Grayness: Team actor!
John Beckwith: Claire! Will you expect just a 2nd? All I wanted is was a 2d alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that gamble. Mayhap I don't deserve it, and so hither goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was practiced. I met a *lot* of girls. It was kittenish and it was juvenile.
Claire Cleary: And pathetic.
John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you lot know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' identify? That was actually me. Peradventure not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the manner. Or my task. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.
Jeremy Grey: [mutters] Oh Jesus.
John Beckwith: It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.
[to Jeremy]
John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He likewise might be a genius considering information technology actually does work, he'due south cleaning up.
Claire Cleary: John!
John Beckwith: I'm sorry, I'm deplorable. That'due south neither here nor there. Anyhow, I saw this widow and she'southward a wreck. She has merely lost the person she loved the nigh in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the manner it is, but non me. Not correct now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right hither and I'm non gear up to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not continuing here request you to marry me, I'm simply asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, have a take a chance.
[Kathleen Cleary walks into John'south sleeping room, unbuttons her blouse and shows John her boobs]
Kathleen Cleary: I just had my tits done. You lot similar 'em?
John Beckwith: [shocked] Those... seem like lovely tits.
Kathleen Cleary: William doesn't give a shit about my tits.
John Beckwith: Well, darn him. But Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden...
Kathleen Cleary: Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me always since y'all came hither.
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary, I don't...
Kathleen Cleary: Call me Kat.
John Beckwith: Okay, Kat.
Kathleen Cleary: Call me "Kitty Kat".
[growls]
John Beckwith: Okay, Kitty Kat. This feels "borderline" inappropriate.
[Kathleen walks closer to John]
Kathleen Cleary: Feel them.
John Beckwith: What?
Kathleen Cleary: I said feel them!
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary...
Kathleen Cleary: Kitty Kat.
John Beckwith: I'm sorry, Kitty Kat, are y'all out of your fucking mind?
Kathleen Cleary: I'k not letting you out of this room until you lot feel them.
[Completely hesitant and nervous, John feels her boobs; Kathleen moans softly]
John Beckwith: Wow, they experience really dainty. Real orb-like. It's amazing what they can do...
[Kathleen shudders and puts her blouse dorsum on]
Kathleen Cleary: Pervert!
Jeremy Grey: I promise you flip your cycle over and knock your ii front teeth out! You selfish son of a bowwow! You lot exit me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
[John has merely referred to an aunt, only to be told by a guest that she is dead]
Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this shit? Dominion #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you lot're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
John Beckwith: Rule #sixteen: Requite me an up-to-engagement family tree. That was your mistake. You fabricated me wait like an idiot.
Jeremy Gray: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
John Beckwith: What are you doing? Information technology'south a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.
Randolph: [In unrated version] You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?
Jeremy Grey: Jam, I...
Randolph: Listen man, the family unit dog lives downstairs. I can wake him upwards for you if you like. His name is Snooky.
Jeremy Grey: You could non be more wrong near what's happening hither...
Randolph: Only be gentle with her, OK? She be pushing 90.
Jeremy Grey: Jesus Christ!
Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to leap into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting in that location, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking plenty, am I interested I'k not really interested, should I play similar I'g interested but I'grand not that interested simply I call back she might be interested but do I want to be interested merely now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'1000 getting, I'1000 starting to go interested... And when am I supposed to osculation her? Do I have to expect for the door crusade then it'southward awkward, information technology's like well goodnight. Do you exercise like that ass-out hug? Where yous similar, you hug each other like this and your donkey sticks out cause you're trying not to go too shut or do yous just become right in and osculation them on the lips or don't buss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a niggling game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch y'all're on my hair.
Janice: Okay...
Jeremy Gray: OK, can you, can yous put that so he can't run into information technology? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.
Mrs. Kroeger: You shut your mouth when you lot're talking to me!
John Beckwith: That brings us to the question of frequent flyer miles.
Mrs. Kroeger: I want them.
John Beckwith: Know what we're gonna do? Nosotros're gonna split them right downwards the middle. How would that be, Mr Kroeger?
Mr. Kroeger: It would exist not adept at all. I earned those miles.
Mrs. Kroeger: Yep, you earned them flying to Denver to encounter your whore.
Mr. Kroeger: She'south not afraid to express herself sexually if that'southward what you lot mean.
Mrs. Kroeger: She'south a stripper, for God's sake.
Mr. Kroeger: She is not.
Mrs. Kroeger: Her proper noun is Chastity. She is white trash, same as you. Hillbilly!
Claire Cleary: [to Sack] I tin't ally y'all.
Sack Social club: Secretary. Your daughter's a little...
Secretary Cleary: Sack, I've always liked you. And so I put up with your stories nigh scallops and otters, and it's all good because y'all seem to make her happy and that'due south what matters to me most. Just this is *her* determination.
[he makes a mock salute to her]
Secretary Cleary: I stand up by my girl.
Sack Lodge: [waving him off] You don't know shit.
Jeremy Grey: Does anyone know what this hither is used for?
Piddling Boy: Rollin' a fatty?
Jeremy Grey: No... Not for... Where'd you lot learn that?
Jeremy Grey: Have y'all fifty-fifty shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to keep picayune hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I experience totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't run into me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can't nosotros hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Gray: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even similar a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human! That'll get you lot jacked up.
John Beckwith: That's a piddling heavy.
Jeremy Grey: I mean similar, hunt a man being correct at present, "Most Dangerous Game". Similar a worthy adversary. Not a human beingness that'southward armed, merely a clever, a clever, human being existence who knows the jungle. Or the wood.
Bratty Kid: I want a bicycle.
Jeremy Grey: Mind, a bike is going to accept a lot of balloons and frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I brand you something else?
Bratty Kid: I only want a cycle!
Jeremy Grey: Why... why are you yelling at me?
Bratty Kid: Make me a bicycle, clown!
Jeremy Gray: All correct, I'one thousand going to brand you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a cycle.
Bratty Kid: Close your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
Jeremy Gray: [later] Take that, y'all hyena, don't say thank you.
Flip: Yeah! Crabcakes and Football game. That's what Maryland does!
Jeremy Grey: Just a couple of kids who like to fuck, tryin' to brand it honest, I get it...
Jeremy Gray: [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I take no actual fluids left in me.
John Beckwith: [to a group of children at a wedding] Love doesn't exist, that'south what I'k trying to tell you guys. And I'm not picking on love, 'crusade I don't recollect friendship exists either.
Jeremy Grey: [confessing to Father O'Neil] You lot wanna know what the kicker is, father? Maybe I'm a picayune fucking crazy. That's right, perchance Jeremy'southward a little nuts. Maybe there's something about me that I'm a picayune cuckoo. I know it's a surprise, I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh! Nosotros used to play checkers with each other every twenty-four hour period, and bless his middle, Shiloh would e'er let me win!
[talking at the dinner table nigh Franklin Roosevelt]
Grandma Mary Cleary: But that married woman of his, Eleanor... Large dyke! Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.
Sack Club: Claire, you get your fucking donkey on that altar right at present!
John Beckwith: Wow, nosotros're getting a great preview of what wedlock is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
Jeremy Grey: I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new handbag of issues. We tin forget about mom for a while.
Jeremy Grey: Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.
Jeremy Grey: Practise yous know what that awareness is, Gloria?
Gloria Cleary: What?
Jeremy Grey: That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone - with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from 'What'southward Happening,' the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote 'Catcher in the Rye,' Nat Male monarch Cole, Carrot Peak, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your female parent. Nosotros're all 1.
Hindu Woman: [while dancing at a wedding ceremony reception] French Strange Legion?
John Beckwith: Yeah, we lost a lot of adept men out there.
[cut to another reception]
Bridesmaid: Mount Everest?
Jeremy Gray: I don't like to talk about it because we lost so many skillful men out in that location.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: Nosotros lost so many good men out there.
Bridesmaid: Playing with the Yankees?
John Beckwith: Yes, with the Yankees you loose good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't desire to talk about it. I'm sad.
John Beckwith: Secretarial assistant Cleary, I'm John Ryan.
Secretary Cleary: Hi, John.
John Beckwith: I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper?
John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my gunkhole to Bermuda.
Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Good human! Take a seat. You lot didn't happen to grab my speech on the Paraguayan debt and coin supply upshot did yous?
John Beckwith: Are you kidding me? I thought it was cracking! Your statement for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now if nosotros could but get Congress non to be so short-sighted.
Secretary Cleary: Yep! Well put. Short-sighted. John, what d'yous say we head onto the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
John Beckwith: Stogies?
Secretarial assistant Cleary: Yeah.
John Beckwith: Why not?
Sack Lodge: What'south this, uh, company called?
Jeremy Grey: [Screaming because Gloria is secretly masturbating him to the terminate; climaxing] HOLY SHI...
John Beckwith: [Thinking fast] Shirts and Pants! Holy Shirts and Pants. Information technology's a footling corny and obvious, but what practise you get out of being subtle, right?
[Claire enters the bathroom and finds Sack vomiting in the toilet]
Claire Cleary: Are yous okay?
Sack Club: Well, Claire. My head's cached in a toilet. What do you retrieve? You exercise the math.
Claire Cleary: Honey, it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes, it's just me.
Sack Gild: Yous know, you can just cutting that psycho babble bullshit your mom tells you ok? You wanna help me out? Do ya? Exercise ya kid? Why don't yous go become me a 7Up, ok? All correct, 'cause I think I might become vulnerable again.
[Todd gets upwardly angrily from the dining table]
Todd Cleary: I'll be in my room, painting.
[pause]
Todd Cleary: Homo things!
Jeremy Grey: [Trying to have sex on the bathroom toilet] Gloria delight I'm wearied, I've had a very long day I had your sister'southward boyfriend dry hump me upwardly and down the field all afternoon my leg's cut and haemorrhage I'm really not in the mood for this
Gloria Cleary: [Slaps his open wound] JESUS CHRIST
Gloria Cleary: My father warned me about people like you Jeremy, I'1000 just some other notch on your belt
Jeremy Grayness: What are you talking about? It'south not like that
Gloria Cleary: [about to spray rubbing alcohol on his wound] Then what's information technology like Jeremy?
Jeremy Gray: [Panicking] NO Look I just feel very strongly that we're starting only to expressing ourselves in a physically sexual specifically manner and I just want to play some "grab-up" on finding who's inside here
[pointing to his heart]
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, you're amazing
Jeremy Greyness: I retrieve you're amazing
Gloria Cleary: Don't "ever" leave me
Jeremy Greyness: Ever
Gloria Cleary: Good. Considering I'd find yous
Claire Cleary: So is information technology just about the money?
John Beckwith: No no, it'due south about, uh, investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.
Sack Club: Well, like what? Give me an example.
John Beckwith: Like what? Well, at that place'southward the company that we take where we're taking the, the fur or the wool from sheep and nosotros turn it into thread for homeless people to sew together. And then they brand information technology into material, which they in turn sew, then um... make footling shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It'southward a pretty adept deal.
Jeremy Grey: [fumbling his words because Gloria is giving him a hand job under the dinner table] People - People helping people.
Claire Cleary: That's - that's very admirable.
John Beckwith: Thank yous. Although, don't make me out to exist a saint simply yet. We do plow a minor turn a profit. After all, someone has to pay for the, uh,
[motions to Jeremy]
John Beckwith: Lap dancers for the big guy here.
Jeremy Grey: [laughing pleasurably] Oh, ha ha ha, he'south joking effectually. Information technology feels so skillful when he jokes.
Vivian: Would you say you're completely full of shit or just l%?
John Beckwith: I hope just 50 just who knows.
Secretary Cleary: Once Sack and Claire tie the knot, two of the corking American families, the Clearys and the Lodges, will finally unite.
John Beckwith: Then of course you can claiming the Klingons for interstellar domination.
[stunned silence, then Claire laughs]
Jeremy Grey: I felt similar Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.
Secretary Cleary: Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
John Beckwith: Are you going to give a toast?
Claire Cleary: Yes.
John Beckwith: Nervous?
Claire Cleary: A little fleck.
John Beckwith: What are you lot going to say?
[Claire pulls a piece of newspaper from within her apparel]
John Beckwith: You lot keep it in your cleavage.
Claire Cleary: Nowhere else to put it. Ordinarily I'm not very proficient at these things, simply I think this one's pretty good.
[John reads from Claire's notes]
John Beckwith: "I never thought my sister would find someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did - until I met Craig?"!
Claire Cleary: Yes, that's funny. It'south funny because it'due south truthful. People like funny.
John Beckwith: I know, but the whole funny-because-information technology's-true bit only works if the truth is a *pocket-sized* thing like "anybody knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". I recall you're better off going with something from the heart. Honestly.
Claire Cleary: I recollect people are going to like this.
John Beckwith: I think you're going to hear crickets.
Claire Cleary: I think you're incorrect.
John Beckwith: Sounds of silence. Go walk the plank.
Claire Cleary: Uh uh. I'm sticking to information technology.
John Beckwith: Ok, meet me at the back of the room. I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so.
[to impress Gloria, Jeremy has been making balloon models for the children]
Gloria Cleary: You're adept.
Jeremy Grey: I'one thousand just warming up. Last week I did an exact replica, to scale, of Wrigley Field. Honest to God. I don't take anywhere to put it.
Gloria Cleary: OK then, I'll take a sports car.
Jeremy Grey: How about a dance?
Gloria Cleary: That'southward what I really wanted.
Jeremy Grey: [on the phone with Gloria] Bunch those panties up into a little ball, and put that lilliputian ball right in your mouth. Oh, yeah...
[John walks in]
Jeremy Gray: And, um, yeah. I will definitely phone call you back later, and so. I'll talk to y'all soon. Thanks, Larry.
[hangs up]
Jeremy Grey: I'k sure you lot'd love to be complimentary, maybe go out and run across some Latin guy that can trip the light fantastic, grind upward on y'all, make you feel dangerous only too safe. And how about you? Don't you want to get within Chastity without having to wonder if everyone'southward gonna find out?
John Beckwith: God, wouldn't that be sweet?
Jeremy Grey: Wouldn't that exist squeamish? And take some Latin guy sweating all over you lot, talking to you in languages you don't sympathise, needing y'all, wanting you, taking you lot?
John Beckwith: All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second. Let's finish this and allow's motility on.
Jeremy Grey: Go out at that place and get some strange donkey.
Jeremy Gray: Are you lot kidding me? I love crab cakes! They're phenomenal!
Jeremy Grayness: Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket! Dominion #115!
Jeremy Grey: Okay, what'due south our back story?
John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Greyness: I'm ill of that. Allow'due south exist from Vermont. And let'due south have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that'southward stupid. We don't know annihilation about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything in that location is to know about maple syrup! I honey maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I accept maple syrup and put a little scrap in my pilus when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds information technology up, slick?
Secretary Cleary: It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports, one time in a while.
Todd Cleary: [of a sudden incensed] Would that make you love me?
Jeremy Gray: That'due south interesting John, that glass looks half full to me.
John Beckwith: Wow, now that you mention it, information technology *is* one-half full.
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I repent to you lot as I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced, bad-mannered intimate state of affairs that people similar to phone call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering, 'Do I take nutrient on my confront? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really... And when am i supposed to kiss her? Practice I have to wait for the door? 'Cause then it'due south awkward, it'southward like "Well, adept night." Practise you do like to donkey-out hug? Where yous similar... yous hug each other like this, and the ass sticks out because yous're trying not to get likewise close. Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips?
Jeremy Grey: I got to get outta hither, pronto. I got a phase five clinger. Stage v, virgin, clinger.
[Gloria is treating Jeremy'southward badly cut leg]
Jeremy Grey: Oh Jesus Christ, it burns.
Gloria Cleary: Poor infant.
Jeremy Grey: It stings.
Gloria Cleary: You lot want me to blow on it?
Jeremy Grey: [thinking it's a blow job] No! No! I don't demand any blowing.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy... I'm non wearin' whatever panties. Let's rock!
[Gloria spins her hair around]
Jeremy Grey: Ok. Ok. That was dainty. I don't understand what's going on. It's like, 8 hours ago you lot were a shy fiddling virgin, and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm just trying to take hold of upwards with you here.
Gloria Cleary: You practise that to me? Ooh...
[she grabs Jeremy'south crotch]
Gloria Cleary: Where's my petty friend? Where's my little friend?
Jeremy Grey: [panicking] He'southward tired! He'southward tired! He's in time-out! He's in time-out!
Jeremy Grey: Buddy, for your own good you gotta permit this go.
Jeremy Grey: [watching Gloria coming up the aisle] Hi, Cerise! Dibs.
John Beckwith: [watching Claire coming upwardly the aisle] She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you.
Father O'Neil: And at present for our side by side reading I'd like to inquire the bride'southward sister Gloria upwardly to the lectern.
John Beckwith: xx bucks, Kickoff Corinthians.
Jeremy Grey: Double or goose egg, Colossians 3:12.
Gloria Cleary: And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.
Jeremy Gray: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I remember I'thou ready to take this human relationship, our relationship to the next level.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level.
Jeremy Gray: Really?
Gloria Cleary: Yes. Do y'all desire to picket me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?
Jeremy Grey: I was thinking more along the lines of an date.
Gloria Cleary: [Overwhelmed with emotion and happiness. Ecstatic] Oh Jeremy, I do!
Jeremy Gray: I honey you.
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
Claire Cleary: Don't you think that's really soon?
Secretary Cleary: Well, you know Gloria, she'southward impetuous. Has to have what she wants, when she wants it. Nosotros had to give her a sweetness xvi on her thirteenth birthday!
John Beckwith: I take a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get her feeling good most herself. You think you can do that?
Jeremy Grey: John, I was starting time team All-Country. I can put the brawl anywhere I desire to. I'll make it rain out here.
John Beckwith: Hey, listen. What angle are y'all going to play here?
Jeremy Grey: I am going to go with the balloon beast display. For the kids. And and so when she comes close to check it out, guess who is the broken man, haunted past? How virtually you?
John Beckwith: I am going to go trip the light fantastic toe with the petty flower daughter. Oh, and I might be a charter member of Oprah's volume society.
Jeremy Grey: It'southward all deadly.
[Mr Kroeger'south wife opens upwardly a bottle of pills]
Mr. Kroeger: That's information technology! Go comatose for me, baby.
Claire Cleary: Actually Todd is an amazing painter. He'south going to the Rhode Isle Schoolhouse of Blueprint.
John Beckwith: Wow, that'south a nifty school. Congratulations, Todd. That'due south really impressive. RIS-D!
Todd Cleary: Yeah, Dad - Dad always thought I'd be a political liability...
[getting aroused]
Todd Cleary: ...in case he ever ran for President.
Secretary Cleary: Now, now Todd. Actually, truth exist told, polling shows that a majority of the American people would ultimately empathize with our situation.
Todd Cleary: [sharply, raising his voice] What IS our state of affairs, Dad?
Grandma Mary Cleary: Y'all're a homo.
Todd Cleary: I made you a painting. I phone call it "Celebration." Information technology's sexual and violent. I thought yous might like it.
Jeremy Grey: She hasn't returned your phone calls, she hasn't responded to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're non raising the goddamn thing. I think information technology'southward very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna meet you.
[last lines]
Claire Cleary: We're a folk singing group from Table salt Lake City.
Gloria Cleary: Yep!
Jeremy Grey: Yes, we are.
[Gloria and Claire throw upward their arms and scream like rock fans at a concert]
John Beckwith: [about Chazz] He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
Jeremy Gray: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts!
Jeremy Grey: [Feeling relieved after having been masturbated by Gloria and ejaculated under the dinner tabular array] Terrific, it was terrific
John Beckwith: Whoa, hold it, Sack!
[Sack punches John]
Trap: OK, Sackmaster, one more. Nosotros should get back to the bar.
Sack Guild: Y'all get near my fiancée again, I kill you lot.
John Beckwith: Let me say ane matter.
Sack Lodge: [to Trap] Did yous check out the rack on that bartender?
Trap: Hey, you're the Sack. She'll come to you.
Sack Lodge: Oh my God, yes, she will, you're right!
Chazz Reinhold: What is she doing back there? I never know what she's doing.
Todd Cleary: We had a moment at the dinner table didn't we?
Jeremy Greyness: No! No! We did non have a moment at the dinner table, Todd!
Jeremy Grey: John? I demand to encounter yous right away. It's of import.
John Beckwith: [Walking into Jeremy'due south part] What's going on?
Jeremy Grey: [sighs] We got iii large weeks ahead of the states. It's hymeneals flavor, kid!
John Beckwith: Y'all sandbaggin' son of a bowwow!
Jeremy Grey: I've got us down for 17 of them already.
John Beckwith: Okay, now how many of them have cash bars?
Jeremy Grey: Bully question. I similar where your caput'south at and two of them actually are, but I got u.s.a. covered: Purple hearts. We won't take to pay for a drink all nighttime.
John Beckwith: Oh, yes. Perfect.
Jeremy Grey: We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to run across gorgeous ladies that get so aroused past the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.
John Beckwith: And who'south gonna be there to grab them?
Jeremy Grey: Grab that internet and take hold of that beautiful butterfly, pal! What exercise y'all like meliorate, Christmas or Wedding Flavour?
[Jeremy raises his hand]
John Beckwith: Mr. Grey?
Jeremy Grey: Yes. The answer would be, um, Wedding Season?
[shimmy-shakes]
John Beckwith: Bingo! I'thousand gonna get my suit. At present who are we this time?
Claire Cleary: Are yous OK?
John Beckwith: Yeah, I'thou but swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.
Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way.
John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'g used to sailing Down Nether with the Kiwis so everything'due south backwards. Even the toilets, when yous flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks y'all out the beginning time you lot run into it.
John Beckwith: What are you going to practise for an encore? Walk on water?
Best Man: After my 9th stint in rehab, Craig - ah Craig, Craig was the only 1 who nonetheless believed in me. Been sober now for viii months.
Begetter O'Neil: As y'all know, Craig and Christina are quite the sailing enthusiasts. In that lite, they have elected to exchange vows which they themselves take written.
Craig: I, Craig, take you, Christina, to exist my wife, my best friend and my showtime mate. Through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.
Christina Cleary: I, Christina, take you, Craig, to be my best friend and my helm... to be your anchor and your canvass... your starboard and your port.
[Claire giggles silently, hiding behind the bouquet that she is holding]
Jeremy Grey: [mutters] Well this is a showtime!
Father O'Neil: And now I pronounce you hubby and wife. You may kiss the kickoff mate.
[Claire giggles once again]
Chazz Reinhold: [John has come to visit] Oh, come in, sit down, I was-hey, y'all desire something to eat?
[shouting]
Chazz Reinhold: HEY MOM! Tin can WE GET SOME MEATLOAF?
[the men are hunting quails in the forest; Secretary Cleary blows his quail whistle]
Sack Lodge: There'southward something non right well-nigh these guys.
Flip: What do you mean?
Sack Guild: I hateful, information technology's fourth dimension to send them home.
Flip: Sack, don't do anything crazy.
Sack Lodge: Just relax. I'm just gonna scare them a little flake.
Flip: All right.
[Sack cocks his rifle and aims information technology at Jeremy]
Sack Lodge: [Yells] TO THE RIGHT!
[Everyone aims and shoots; John and Jeremy screams; John falls to the ground, pulls the trigger, and then shoots Jeremy]
Jeremy Gray: [Screaming] Aaaahhh! They got me!
Sack Lodge: [laughs] Oh, shit!
Jeremy Greyness: THEY GOT ME!
John Beckwith: Oh, shit.
Jeremy Grey: Oh, that's terrific! Why don't you lot merely feed me to the lions? Stride on my head when I am drowning.
John Beckwith: What?
Jeremy Grey: What do yous mean "what"? What a peachy friend, John. This is completely against the rules. You have a hymeneals and a reception to seal the deal. Period. There's no overtime.
John Beckwith: No overtime. Yeah, well what near the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, yous drag me fifty miles to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.
Jeremy Gray: Completely dissimilar situation. She was a very, very family-oriented girl. And very into her grandmother.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Jeremy Grayness: [Yells aloud] *That was my first Asian!*
[the entire room goes silent]
[Jeremy wakes upwards in the heart of the night to find Gloria on top of him rubbing her nipples on his confront and tying his easily and anxiety to the bed with rope]
Gloria Cleary: I've been thinking most what you said and I recollect the problem is that I'thousand not beingness audacious enough for you.
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I'thousand pretty sure that is *not* what I've been proverb to you.
Gloria Cleary: [seductively] Baby, I'grand going to make all your fantasies come up truthful.
Jeremy Grayness: Just this is non fantasy...
[He mumbles and moans as she gags him with his sock, then starts squirming]
Gloria Cleary: [softly crying] I love you.
[Jeremy punches Sack, sending him sprawling to the basis]
Jeremy Grey: Share that with the Dalai Lama, jack ass!
Jeremy Grey: I experience so tiny in your arms.
Invitee at wedding: How alpine are y'all?
Jeremy Gray: 6 foot v, only I experience like I'thou iv anxiety.
Jeremy Gray: [in response to the outfit he's wearing] I'm not even gunna say it, but you know I'thousand upset.
John Beckwith: Yes. But I think yous look good.
Jeremy Grayness: Y'all know I don't look expert.
[subsequently Sack outruns John and scores a touchdown]
Jeremy Grayness: What happened?
John Beckwith: I call up he's on steroids. Information technology's similar trying to cover a fucking race horse.
Chazz Reinhold: Aye, her boyfriend just died. Dude died in a hang-gliding accident! What an idiot!
[sarcastically imitating dead young man]
Chazz Reinhold: "Aaaahhh, I'm hang-gliding! Have a good motion picture, honey, I'chiliad dead!"
John Beckwith: [after Jeremy gets violently tackled to the ground] You were awesome... she's buying it, now quit messing around and get up.
Jeremy Grey: [afterward getting the current of air knocked out of him, whispering] I'm non messing around, I can't breathe.
John Beckwith: Oh, come on, now y'all're just milking it.
Jeremy Grey: [looks upwardly in disgust, even so whispering] I hate you.
John Beckwith: Oh, *you're* gonna encompass me.
Claire Cleary: Like white on rice.
John Beckwith: All right I like my odds here. Let me requite you a footling warning, I'm going downtown. Look for me in the endzone after this play, I'll exist the guy holding the brawl.
[a gunshot is heard from within the Cleary mansion; Grandma Cleary is chasing Jeremy outside]
Jeremy Grey: RUN! JOHNNY! She's tryin' to kill me!
[shouting continues]
Claire Cleary: Grandma!
John Beckwith: Whoa! Whoa!
Jeremy Grey: Go the gun from her!
Secretary Cleary: Put the gun down! Mother, stop!
Jeremy Grey: This is the real globe, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!
John Beckwith: [shocked] What did you do?
Jeremy Gray: [to Father O'Neil] I told you that in confidence. That was a confession!
Claire Cleary: What are you talking about?
Todd Cleary: Mom make you lot experience her tits?
John Beckwith: Did you say something, Todd?
Todd Cleary: Mom brand yous feel her tits?
John Beckwith: Todd, where are you going with this?
Todd Cleary: Simply don't say annihilation to my dad, though. Some friend of my sister's said something to my dad a couple of years ago, he now lives in a shack in Guam... non by choice.
John Beckwith: Cease kidding with me Todd. You lot almost had me. Come up on!
Secretary Cleary: Just wonderful!
Chazz Reinhold: So damn cute! With every death at that place comes rebirth, information technology'due south the circumvolve of life. Nosotros're gonna exist alright.
[Makes humping motions]
Jeremy Gray: I always knew I was never going to be a professional balderdash fighter, merely that's not why I did it.
Jeremy Greyness: [speaking to Father O'Neil near Gloria] She'due south fit for a strait-jacket. This broad's fucked three means towards the weekend. Simply you lot know what, Male parent? I dig it! It turns me on.
Jeremy Greyness: [smacks his butt] Lookout man me have this on down the road.
[seeing Gloria throwing a tantrum in front end of her begetter]
Jeremy Gray: Looks like a picayune kid at Toys-R-U.s..
[pause]
Jeremy Grayness: I can't be around her.
John Beckwith: Get off your high horse and stop judging people.
Jeremy Greyness: I can't take any more of this fucking shit!
[later Sack announces his engagement to Claire at the dining table]
Ken Cleary: Congratulations, beau! Welcome to the family!
Jeremy Grey: I'grand not perfect, simply who are we kidding, neither are you.
Jeremy Gray: Please don't take a turn to negative boondocks.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. Okay? I'chiliad not gonna repent, I'm a cocksman!
[gets glares from nuptials guests]
John Beckwith: [to wedding guests] Tourette'south.
Jeremy Gray: These bacon-wrapped scallops - astounding!
Jeremy Grey: You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!
Jeremy Grey: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal!
Jeremy Gray: That's not how y'all cut block, you gotta treat cake like a lady!
Jeremy Grey: Guys, the real enemy here, is the institution of matrimony, it unrealistic, it's crazy!
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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0396269/quotes/qt0329813
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